Abigail and I were expecting earlier this year and lost the pregnancy. We were super excited and told everyone the moment we found out. We lost the pregnancy before it really even got started. That’s why we’ve been super cautious this time around.
October was to be the month I we became parents. Abigail would be at almost nine months now instead of four. Yes, we are extremely happy that she is expecting again. Yes, we did get pregnant much sooner than we thought we would after the loss. Yes, we love the little one we are going to have in March. We are still sad for the loss of the first pregnancy. What might have been…
This month is much harder on Abigail than me, even though I feel terrible. She is the one who has to deal with physical and emotional feelings of being pregnant. It can’t be easy to feel sick all the time. It has to be worse to have that sickness be a constant reminder of the loss of what might truly have been a beautiful life.
This October I am celebrating and mourning at the same time. Its an odd feeling mix. I feel guilty for being so happy and guilty for feeling so sad. I haven’t yet found that place where I can be one or the other, at least, for more than a few moments.
There is a program put on by our hospital that focuses on the dealing with the loss of a pregnancy. They have a funeral service, or should I say memorial, for all the families who have suffered losses like ours over the last year. I hope for myself and for Abigail that it will bring some type of closer to the pain. I don’t want to do a disservice to the current pregnancy and not be as excited as possible for it. Problem is, I’m worried. I don’t want anything to go wrong this time around. It would be horrible to go though that type of loss again.
Goodbye October Baby.
I love you.
Your sibling is coming along well.
I hope there is an afterlife, because we all would really like to meet you.