This is the first post in a series on My Kid & Religion.
Religion can be such a divisive thing. I am struggling with how (or even if) I want to introduce and integrate religion into my son’s early life. I realize that it will enter his life at some point, but I’m trying to figure out how I want to take part in his introduction to it. I have had a love-hate relationship with religion, Christianity specifically, in my life. This lands me in an odd position. I want my kid to have the positive “Sunday School” experience with church that I had when I was young. But, I don’t want to expose him to the many negative experiences I had with religion as I got older.
Somewhere in the transition from a child to an adult I slowly started to no longer fit into the nice little conservative Christian box I had been told I should fit into. The more I thought for myself, the more I became frustrated with the Christianity I was raised to believe. When a point would be made and I’d ask “Why?” the answer from a church leader would often be superficial. When I’d probe the answer with deeper inquiry my questions and logical arguments were ignored and dismissed. Even worse, at a certain point of asking questions too often, I was labeled as “trouble” and ignored by so many in the congregation I had thought were my friends.
A perfect example of this was when my dad came out as gay. I was at a point in my life when I had never (or at least thought I’d never) interacted with a gay person. The only things I knew about the LBGTQ community were the stereotypes taught to me by my very conservative surroundings. Long story short, my dad and I had a disconnected relationship between my late teens and early 20s. This was almost entirely to blame on the anti-gay rhetoric I was surrounded by at the time. The Bible verse about not associating with Christians who were in blatant sin (1 Corinthians 5:11) was often misquoted to me in reference to my dad because he was gay. I struggled with this for a long time. I missed my dad, but in the mindset that I was in, I couldn’t see him without putting myself in a place of disobedience. Eventually, that struggle became too much for me. I missed talking to my dad more than I wanted to keep the church happy. I decided family was more important to me than whatever my peers or “God” thought. I slowly opened my life back up to my dad. We spent many meals and conversations together after that. My dad showed me over the following years that those negative stereotypes I was taught were completely false.
My beliefs and questions have changed and matured in the last 10 years. I am a much different person than I was back then. I think I’m a better person in some ways and worse in others. I’m smarter than I was but much more cynical. I don’t trust people like I used to. I’ve come to value critical thinking and want to share that with my son. Had I learned early on to hear from the authority figures in my life and then confirm what they told me independently I would be a much less damaged person now.
I don’t ever want my kid to have to feel like he has to choose between his belief system and the people that he loves. I’ve seen it happen time and again with my friends in the church. Disagreements over the meaning of a book (holy or not) should never cause a family to ignore each other or sever communication. I’m hesitant to involve my son in any religion that separates people versus includes them.
What do you think? Did you grow up in the church? What are your thoughts about your time in that religious environment? Let me know in the comments and on social.
While I didn’t quite have the same restrictive background growing up (my pastor always encouraged us to go read the bible for ourselves, to verify everything he was teaching), I completely agree that critical thinking skills are so incredibly valuable, and shouldn’t be discouraged especially among Christians. It’s part of our focus with our own kids, and a big reason why we are homeschooling as I don’t believe that critical thinking is taught very effectively in public schools these days.
I think a big way to help ensure your son has a positive Sunday School experience is to get involved in the program itself at whichever church you’re attending. Being a part of the teaching, even if it’s on a rotating schedule, will help you engage the material at home.
It may be a little while before he’ll be in a program anyway, so if you haven’t found a church that fits where you’re at right now, you have some time to look 🙂
That is a great idea. A lot of variables would have to be just right for this to happen. It’s something I had not considered before though. Thanks!
Let me know what you decide to do as I will be in the same boat soon. If I keep my girls from church like I’ve always assumed I would- I’m also keeping them from an early sense of community they might not otherwise find.
This is a super tricky thing for sure! Stay tuned the next few weeks to hear some of my other thoughts & questions on the matter. No real decisions have been made yet!
Some day in the future my wife and I will have to decide if we want to introduce Catholicism, Judaism, both, neither, a mixture, etc. I think we are OK with the dilemma, but not sure how either set of parents feel about it. Both my wife and I did the entire thing from youth religious school to confirmation, so it should be interesting.
We know exactly where our parents / grandparents stand on things, but realize that it is completely our call and not theirs. My wife and I want to make sure we are happy with our decision because it is what we believe and not what we’re told we should. This has created some uncomfortable situations. I couldn’t live with doing things the way family says if I didn’t agree with it. I’m over that. We’re going to do what we think is best for our son. Our family’s input is taken into consideration, but it is not law.
[…] is the second post in a series on My Kid & Religion. If you missed it, read Part 1: Family First […]
What an incredible story Joel. I’m not at all a fan of religious teachings to children as I see it quite literally as “brainwashing”. I’ve spoken with several people on this very topic and I’m shocked that many of them don’t share my view. They feel that they don’t force their beliefs on their children and give them the choice…. when they reach an appropriate age.
That’s the rub. By exposing a child to teachings of a theology (in this case, Jesus Christ), and consistently reinforcing those teachings through punishment/reward, you are creating the belief structure for them. By the time they are given the “free will” to choose, that choice is an illusion. Very few people are able to make a truly “free” choice because at a subconscious level, their mind wont allow it.
This is a wonderful story that shows the power of the mind.
Truly a masterpiece of writing. I am so glad to have connected. Looking forward to many more exchanges.
You and your wife need only to expose your son to the choices out there and then simply to let him choose.
Your dad’s coming out is a step in the direction of total inclusion, just as it should be.
Best, John
[…] is the third post in a series on My Kid & Religion. If you missed the others read Part 1: Family First & Part 2: Sunday School […]
Excellent job highlighting the tensions with religious and personal beliefs. I wonder why religion in the first place? Is it because of how you were raised and you want your son to have those same experiences and beliefs? Is it because of the moral lessons, community or otherwise? I think if you can answer the question of why religion in the first place, it may help you rectify your struggles.
Post is well done. I have a similar journey and I continue to attend church. If God is love, then I think that love comes first. Judgment is too easy, and often our judgments are projections onto other people.
I agree that having a faith structure is very important for our families. Raising kids to believe and to think for themselves is vital.
Well done.
“My beliefs and questions have changed and matured in the last 10 years. I am a much different person than I was back then. I think I’m a better person in some ways and worse in others.”
These words resonated the most with me, although this entire post (and eventually series?) is making me think. I am one of those “conservative Christians”–perhaps even worse, I’m Roman Catholic! (said tongue-in-cheek) I *know* that people feel judged by my lifestyle, which is a homeschooling stay-at-home mom of seven, which is unfortunate, truly, because the bottom line–for me–is LOVE.
Your heart and your head are clearly coming together. Dare I say it? God is good. 🙂
PS. It was great meeting you, however briefly, at the Stream Team meet-up. I could have used another day to get to know all the bloggers.
[…] last time I wrote about religion on my blog was a few years ago. I covered how I had seen religion tear my family apart, grown up in the church, disapproved of modern Christianity, and missed the community religion […]
So glad for such a thoughtful consideration of these complex issues. I grew up in a Christian family. My parents led by example; and I saw the strength, encouragement, and joy they gained from going to church. I was taught to read/study the Bible for myself. As my life took its own twists and turns, I began to study to deepen my understanding of God as Creator and Redeemer and appreciate His gifts of unconditional love, abiding peace, and unspeakable joy! My focus moved beyond studying to reinforce denominational dogma and doctrine, to understanding the relationship God wants to have with us – with me. The church became a “vehicle” for spiritual food and Christian fellowship – components of my approach to establishing and strengthening a personal relationship with God. His arms are opened to everyone, and He respects our power of choice to return His love or not. As a Christian, I can access His power to open my arms to everyone and respect each person for who they are. Christians either represent Christ or misrepresent Christ. I believe providing children with a Bible-based, spiritual foundation is a kind and loving and responsible thing to do. They will ultimately make their own decisions about God (note that I don’t use the word “religion,” which is truly tainted). It’s like giving a child swimming lessons before throwing them into the deep end of the pool. I developed a PowerPoint presentation (“Feeding Faith”) to share with my grandchildren my core, Bible-based, spiritual beliefs. Will gladly share via email. Praying that you get clarity and wisdom on these issues as you lead your family. (Just realized I’m late to the party, responding to a 5-year old post. I’ll read the rest of the series to get caught up!)