Editors Note: I found this in some of my dad's old papers and thought I'd share it. It was from a class he took at some point later in life. This is a dark comedy short play he wrote. - Joel
** Open to a modest but well furnished apartment. There are boxes of things stacked against one wall, they look to be either being packed to unpacked. There is a fireplace with a mantle. On this mantel is prominently displayed an ornate vas with a lid and a framed picture of an older man with Buddy Holly glasses. He has a comic look of constipation as his expression. This was dearly departed Dad to both sibling characters: Mike and Val. **
** Mike enters; he greets his inherited cat Oscar with a tone of distain. He then greets dearly departed Dad’s ashes on the mantle. **
Mike:
Hello “Oscar” … Hello Dad …
** He throws his coat down on a chair and spies a note tacked on the phone. He reads this note and reacts in distress. **
Mike:
No, oh no!
** He goes to the kitty litter box in a corner and shakes it and exclaims 🙂 **
Mike:
How am I going to explain this?
** He picks up the phone and punches in the numbers and explains his dilemma to his never to be seen best friend… **
Mike:
Bill, you got to help me… you know how I told you Dad was a little over attached to us? Well, he had as a stipulation in his will that Val & I were to share his ashes every other month. I went first and Val needs to pick Dad up today… I know it’s strange, just listen. I got home today and I found this note from my new Polish house keeper’s daughter. Let me read it to you…
Dear Mr. Mike, I am so very sorry, I am afraid my mother makes terrible mistake… While cleaning house today she look in pretty pot over fire place and she see dirty ashes… She thinks they are from smoking… and that the ‘strange Americans’ put ashes in pretty pots… so she clean out ashes and pour them in kitty’s litter and puts it all in black bag by door to be taken out… She got home and told me… I am so sorry… we do not put peoples in pretty pots in the old country… Please forgive Ma Ma, Olga.
** Still speaking on phone **
Mike:
Ok, Ok she’s due here any minute… I’ll try. Thanks!
** He hangs up the phone & runs to the trash bag, grabs the kitty scoop, kneels down opens it, takes a scoop and sifts it in full view od audience. **
Mike:
Oh dad… I’m sooooo sorry!
** Just the the door bell rings… **
** He drops the scoop and twists the bag shut. Looks around and puts it back in the trash next to the door. The bell rings again two times… **
Mike:
I’ll be right there…
** He runs to the vase lifts the lid looks in just in case there was a mistake, then runs to answer the door. Val enters. **
Val:
It’s about time!
Mike:
Sorry, I was just sifting thru some of dad’s things…
Val:
I know what you mean… he had so much crap to sort thru…
Mike:
No kidding!
Val:
Let’s get this over with, I’ve got to hurry I have a date tonight…
Mike:
Who is it? Anyone I know?
Val:
Well it’s the guy Dad said to give a chance…
Mike:
Oh, another one of those strings from the deathbed…
Val:
Don’t be so hard on him. He just wants, or wanted the best for us.
** She move to the mantle and picks up the picture lovingly **
Val:
Since Mom divorced him he just wanted us close to him… to show us he cared…
Mike:
It feels more like control!
Val:
You’re always so negative… as far as sharing the ashes goes… Just think he wanted to feel like he’d always be part of our lives… and couldn’t make a choice between us…
Mike:
You can have him…
Val:
Well, he wanted to be with you too… That’s why he put it in the will…
Mike:
Like I said control… If I didn’t need the money I’d let you have him full-time. I don’t mind telling you it’s been kinda creepy having him here on the mantle. I hope you feel closer to him than I did this month.
Val:
Well, I’ll take him now… I’ve got to go…
** She goes for the urn and Mike stops her. **
Mike:
Wait a minute, you better check your face before you go out. I think you’re a little… smudged.
Val:
Oh, thanks! I think…
** As Val goes to the bathroom Mike runs to find a contra inter to strain Dad into… He finds a Tupperware bowl and starts the sifting process. He starts with the scoop then starts with pouring the bag to hurry it up… dust is billowing out. **
** Val starts out from the bathroom. Mike shoves the whole process behind the couch. **
Val:
Thanks for the makeup advice, but I really have to go!
** Val grabs the urn. Mike grabs it to, and a short tug of war ensues… **
Val:
Mike, let go, this is weird.
Mike:
Just give me a minute with Dad alone!
Val:
You’ve got to be kidding… what for…
** At this point the lid pops off and nothing pops out **
** Val looks in and in a startled voice yells… **
Val:
Dad’s gone! Mike, Dad’s gone… Where is he?
Mike:
Well so he is…
Val:
Was he ever there? Didn’t you check? Who’s got him? I’m calling the funeral home right now… I’ve got the card right here…
** She goes for the phone**
** Mike stops her **
Mike:
Wait a minute… I was trying to spare you…
Val:
Spare me what? Well?
Mike:
It could be almost humorous…
Val:
Try me,
Mike:
I hired a new maid service this week and she did a great job… When I got home I found this…
** Mike hands Val the note… **
Val:
No… on no, Daddy!!!!
** Lights fade to black **
Short skit by Bob Gratcyk.
